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Penny talks to Raj while he's drunk

Raj talks to Penny.

Season 1 - Episode 08 - The Grasshopper Experiment[]

Scene Apartment 4A
Sheldon Damn you,
Leonard Problem?
Sheldon The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don't tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it's a nightmare.
Leonard Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon It's been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five.
Leonard Why?
Sheldon It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It's right here under Batman's signature.
Raj And this is Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
Howard Guess whose parents just got broadband?
Raj May I present, live from New Delhi, Dr and Mrs V. M. Koothrappali.
Leonard Hi.
Dr. Koothrappali Lift up the camera. I'm looking at his crotch.
Raj Sorry papa.
Dr. Koothrappali Oh, there's much better. Hi.
Leonard Hi!
Raj And over here is Sheldon.
Sheldon Hi.
Raj He lives with Leonard.
Mrs. Koothrappali Oh, that's nice. Like Haroun and Tanweer.
Raj No, no, not like Haroun and Tanweer.
Mrs. Koothrappali Such sweet young men, they just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.
Leonard Yeah, we’re not like Haroun and Tanweer!
Dr. Koothrappali So are you boys academics like our son?
Together Yes.
Dr. Koothrappali And your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?
Together Not at all.
Raj Papa, please don't start.
Dr. Koothrappali God, it's just a question, he's so sensitive.
Raj Okay, that's my life, that's my friends, good to see you, say goodbye.
Together Bye!
Dr. Koothrappali Wait, wait. Before you go we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends.
Raj What is it papa.
Dr. Koothrappali Friends.
Howard (As they gather) Is it just me, or does webchatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless.
Mrs. Koothrappali Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?
Raj The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable.
Mrs. Koothrappali Yes. Well, now she's a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information.
Raj Why did you do that?
Dr. Koothrappali You're 26 years old Rajesh. We want grandchildren.
Raj But Papa, I'm not supposed...
Mrs. Koothrappali Lalita's parents approve the match.
Dr. Koothrappali If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.
Raj Spring wedding?
Mrs. Koothrappali It's up to you dear, we don't want to meddle.
Raj If you don't want to meddle, then why are you meddling?
Sheldon If I may, your parents probably don't consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children's lives.
Raj Why are you telling me about my own culture?
Sheldon You seemed confused.
Raj Sorry, Mommy, Papa, but with all due respect I really can't go through...
Mrs. Koothrappali Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it's Doogie time! Bye bye.
Dr. Koothrappali Bye bye.
Raj I don't believe it.
Howard Neither do I. Doogie Howser's been off the air for like twenty years.
Leonard Actually, I read somewhere that it's one of the most popular programs in India.
Sheldon It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one's children enter the medical profession.
Leonard I bet you're right.
Howard I bet they love Scrubs.
Sheldon What's not to love?
Raj Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?
Sheldon I suggest you go through with it.
Raj What?
Sheldon Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
Howard It's the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
Leonard I'm not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.
Howard Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.
Sheldon Understandable, but there's a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.
Howard Let's not forget it's got some really catchy tunes.
All (various noises of agreement)
Raj Okay, I know what I'm going to do.
Leonard What?
Raj Find new friends.
Howard So who wants to rent Fiddler?
Sheldon No need, we have the special edition.
Leonard Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer.
Scene Apartment 4A
Sheldon (On phone) This is Dr Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium. Yeah, well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet. Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History and, frankly, you don't have dinosaurs. Well I'll miss you too, bye bye. Okay, I know you're texting about me, and I'd really like you to stop.
Raj (Entering) Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.
Leonard Hey, I thought you were finding new friends.
Raj I’ve got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this.
Lalita (Voice from Raj’s phone) Hi Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I'm calling you, and, ah... call me back. Bye.
Raj Can you believe how pushy she is?
Leonard So don't call her.
Raj If I don't call her, I won't hear the end of it from my parents.
Leonard So call her.
Raj How can I call her, you know I can't talk to women.
Leonard I'm done, anybody else?
Howard Give me the phone.
Raj Why?
Howard Just give it to me. (Dials)
Raj What are you doing?
Howard Don't worry, you'll thank me. (In a fake Indian accent) Hello Lalita, Raj Koothrappali. (Raj starts to chase Howard across the room.) Yes it is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing. Oh, not important, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet. Friday works for me. And I call you with the time and place, but in the meantime, keep it real babe. (In own voice) You may now thank me.
Raj For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character?
Howard Fine, next time make your own date.
Raj I didn't want to make this one.
Leonard Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.
Raj Great, then we'll get married, I won't be able to talk to her, and we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.
Howard Worked for my parents.
Penny (Knocking and entering) Hi guys.
Leonard Oh, hey.
Penny I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard His mom's been saying that for years. What's up?
Penny Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.
Leonard Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.
Penny So Leonard, how about it?
Leonard Look, Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. And besides, he doesn't drink, so... (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he'd like to take up drinking.
Scene Apartment 4B
Penny Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise.
Leonard Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.
Penny Okay, Raj, what'll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)
Leonard Whatever you recommend.
Penny Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon I'll have a diet coke.
Penny Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba libre.
Penny That's, um, rum and coke without the rum.
Sheldon Yes,
Penny So coke.
Sheldon Yes. And would you make it diet?
Penny There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon A Cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Penny Okay, Raj, here you go. Alright, who's next?
Howard I'd like to try a slippery nipple.
Penny Okay, you're cut off. Anybody need a refill?
Raj Where did my life go, Penny? One day I'm a carefree bachelor, and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
Penny A... are you talking to me?
Raj Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astro-physics. But with a penis, of course.
Leonard It's amazing.
Raj Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynaecologist like him. How can I be a gynaecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what, I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer, it's time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.
Penny Okay, sweetie, I think that's the grasshopper talking.
Raj And it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
Penny Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don't you just meet this girl and, see what happens.
Raj Haven't you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women.
Leonard Um... Raj.
Howard No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
Penny Um, Raj, honey, you say you can't talk to women but... you've been talking to me.
Sheldon And now we'll never know.
Raj You're right. I... I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?
Penny I'm fine.
Raj Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It's a sweet green miracle.
Penny Okay, if you're going to drink on this date just promise me you won't overdo it.
Raj Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?
Penny Yeah, that. Uh, why don't you bring her to my restaurant when I'm tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?
Raj Okay.
Leonard Wait a minute, what's the plan here? Let's say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what's he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Howard Worked for my parents.
Scene The restaurant.
Raj I can't believe I'm sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta.
Lalita Well, you are.
Raj Little Lalita. That's kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, Little Lalita, Little Lalita, you should try it.
Lalita No, it's okay.
Raj You have lost so much weight! That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat! Do you remember?
Lalita Yes, I do.
Raj Of course you do. Who could forget being that fat?
Lalita Well, I’ve been trying.
Raj So you're a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you're still winning.
Lalita Yay me!
Leonard (To Penny) You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious?
Penny Drinks do not work that way.
Howard I'd say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.
Sheldon Sorry I'm late.
Leonard What happened?
Sheldon Nothing, I just really didn't want to come. Virgin diet Cuba libre please.
Penny Okay.
Sheldon In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.
Penny Oh, I'll wedge it right in there.
Sheldon So, how's Koothrappali d.... oh my Lord.
Leonard What?
Sheldon That's Princess Punchali.
Leonard I'm pretty sure her name's Lalita.
Sheldon No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.
Howard Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.
Sheldon It's a children's story.
Howard Oh, no it isn't.
Sheldon When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It's about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.
Penny I know the reason.
Leonard We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?
Sheldon That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Howard Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but...
Raj Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn't it great, she isn't fat any more!
Sheldon Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
Lalita I'm sorry?
Sheldon You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.
Lalita Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?
Sheldon A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
Lalita Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?
Sheldon You Indian.
Lalita Oh.
Sheldon The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Lalita Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.
Sheldon I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Lalita Really, so do I.
Raj But you're a dentist, he's nuts.
Lalita Don't be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
Sheldon It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Lalita Oh my.
Raj Back off Sheldon.
Sheldon What?
Raj If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
Sheldon I'm not hitting on her.
Lalita And I am not your lady.
Howard And you have no wrath.
Raj You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.
Lalita Okay, let's get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you.
Sheldon Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.
Raj Oh, screw Princess Punchali.
Lalita Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
Raj But you're not Princess Punchali.
Sheldon Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Lalita Sheldon, are you hungry?
Sheldon I could eat.
Lalita Let's go.
Raj What just happened?
Leonard Beats the hell out of me.
Howard I'll tell you what just happened, I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks.
Scene Apartment 4A. Raj is talking to his parents on the webcam.
Mrs. Koothrappali What are we supposed to say to Lalita's parents?
Dr. Koothrappali I play golf with her father, I won't be able to look at him.
Raj Maybe you should keep your eye on the ball, Papa.
Dr. Koothrappali Oh, now you're a funny man? This is not funny, Mr Funny Man.
Leonard Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn't entirely Raj's fault.
Dr. Koothrappali This is a family matter Sheldon.
Leonard No, I'm Leonard.
Dr. Koothrappali Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us.
Raj But he's right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!
Mrs. Koothrappali Who is it? We can't see.
Dr. Koothrappali Turn us, turn us.
Raj Go ahead, tell my parents why they won't have any grandchildren.
Sheldon How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?
Raj This has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs. Koothrappali You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren't you Rajesh.
Raj Yes Mommy.
Mrs. Koothrappali Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.
Raj Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
Sheldon What did I do?
Leonard You left with his date. Friends don't do that to each other.
Sheldon Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.
Raj Sorry? That's all you can say is sorry?
Leonard Take it, Raj. It's more than I’ve ever gotten.
Sheldon And may I point out she wouldn't have asked me to go with her if you hadn't been drunk and boring.
Dr. Koothrappali Drunk?
Sheldon And boring, her words.
Dr. Koothrappali I knew it, he moves to America and becomes an alcoholic.
Raj I'm not an alcoholic.
Dr. Koothrappali Then why were you drunk?
Raj It was just this one time, Papa, I swear.
Dr. Koothrappali Are you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention?
Mrs. Koothrappali Don't embarrass him in front of his friends.
Dr. Koothrappali Alright. Carry us outside, we want to talk to you in private.
Raj But Papa, please....
Dr. Koothrappali Now, Rajesh.
Raj (to Leonard and Sheldon) I have to go.   
Dr. Koothrappali Now listen to me....
Raj Please wait until I get into the hall.
Sheldon Okay, well, good night.
Leonard Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?
Sheldon We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn't already know, and I came home.
Leonard So you're not going to see her again?
Sheldon Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits)
Leonard I wonder who's going to tell his parents they're not having grandchildren.
Scene Penny’s restaurant. Sheldon is on the piano, singing “To Life” from Fiddler on the Roof enthusiastically.
Leonard I don't believe it, what's gotten into him?
Penny Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba libres that turned out to be kind of ... slutty.
Leonard You didn't?
Penny Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.

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