Transcripts/The Codpiece Topology

Season 2

The gang near the elevator.

- Episode 02 - The Codpiece Topology

Scene	The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.
Sheldon	Worst Renaissance Fair ever.
Leonard	Please let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon	It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.
Leonard	You're nitpicking.
Sheldon	Oh-ho! Really? Well here's another "nit" for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
Howard	Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.
Sheldon	Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”
Howard	I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.
Penny	(Arriving with Eric) Hi guys. Looks like you've been to the Renaissance fair. I'm hoping.
Sheldon	Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.
Penny	Okay, fine, whatever, um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
Howard	Hello.
Leonard	Hi.
Eric	Hey.
Leonard	So, yeah, good to see you.
Penny	Yeah, yeah, it's good to see you too. We should really go.
Eric	Yeah.
Penny	(Leaving) Bye guys.
Eric	(Leaving, to Howard) Like your hat.
Howard	Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward.
Leonard	It wasn't awkward. It wasn't fun. Besides, what's the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.
Raj	By moving on, do you mean, she's going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?
Sheldon	That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can't just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.
Leonard	Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.
Sheldon	You're wearing modern underwear?
Leonard	Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
Sheldon	I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard	You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon	Don't be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.
Leonard	Borrowed?
	Credits sequence
Scene	The apartment.
Leonard	You know what, I'm happy that Penny's moving on. It gives me the freedom to move on myself.
Howard	Are you saying that you've been holding back?
Leonard	Of course. Out of respect.
Howard	So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny?
Raj	Who were you respecting then?
Leonard	What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon	Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.
Leonard	Uh, what about that girl last year at Comic-con?
Raj	Doesn't count.
Leonard	Why not?
Raj	What happens in costume at Comic-con, stays at Comic-con.
Howard	You're only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard	What happened to you?
Raj	N-n-n-nothing happened to me.
Howard	It wasn't your fault, Raj, he was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
Raj	H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on.
Leonard	Yes I have, it's just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
Howard	Like who?
Leonard	Well, there's Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it's a little geographically undesirable.
Raj	What about Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon	Oh no.
Raj	Why?
Sheldon	Her research methodology is sloppy, she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she's often mean to me.
Raj	I think she's smoking hot.
Howard	I'd hit that.
Sheldon	You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.
Leonard	Look, I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard	Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
Raj	Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
Howard	You mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
Raj	I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!
Scene	The university cafeteria.
Sheldon	You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?
Leonard	How?
Sheldon	If we were, the food would be better.
Leslie	(Arriving) Hey, Leonard.
Leonard	Hey, Leslie.
Leslie	Hey, dummy.
Sheldon	Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie	Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.
Leonard	Uh, sure.
Sheldon	Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.
Leslie	Wow. So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard	Where did you hear that?
Leslie	Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Shows him text.)
Leonard	Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep.
Leslie	I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L. Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you're unattached maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Leonard	Are you suggesting another bout of stress release.
Leslie	No, I'm all done with casual sex. From now on I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Leonard	Really, what changed?
Leslie	It's hard to say, I guess there's just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
Leonard	Yeah, I can see how that would... a bunch of people?
Leslie	Anyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you?
Leonard	Oh, I'm flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie	Your place, we'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard	Sounds fun.
Leslie	I'll leave the details up to you, I think it's better if you assume the male role.
Leonard	Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
Leslie	Great. Call me.
Scene	The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon	Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
Leonard	Terrific.
Sheldon	You know what this means, don't you? Break out the Red Bull, it's time to rock Mario old school.
Leonard	I kind of have other plans tonight.
Sheldon	But it's Friday. Friday's always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.
Leonard	Well, the thing is, someone's coming over.
Sheldon	Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.
Leonard	Sheldon, it's a date, I have a date coming over.
Sheldon	Oh, well you can't blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
Leonard	Why, what's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon	Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard	Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon	Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?
Leonard	You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon	You want me to leave the apartment?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	You mean just go someplace else and be... someplace else?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.
Leonard	I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon	Well alright then.
Scene	The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.
Penny	Sheldon? What are you doing?
Sheldon	Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
Penny	Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?
Sheldon	I'm a modern-day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.
Penny	Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don't you just go to a movie or something?
Sheldon	Alone?
Penny	Yeah, why not?
Sheldon	What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver.
Penny	Well then don't order popcorn.
Sheldon	No popcorn at the mo... listen to yourself.
Penny	Well why don't you go to a coffee shop.
Sheldon	I don't drink coffee.
Penny	They have other things.
Sheldon	What do they have?
Penny	I don't know, you know, cookies, pastries...
Sheldon	Pastries such as bearclaws?
Penny	Yeah, sure.
Sheldon	I don't like bearclaws.
Leslie	(Entering) Heya Penny. Dumbass.
Sheldon	Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
Penny	Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they're both scientists.
Sheldon	Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.
Penny	Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.
Sheldon	Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I'm just enabling you.
Scene	The apartment.
Leslie	This is pretty good Orange Chicken.
Leonard	Yeah, it's from Changs.
Leslie	Not Chows?
Leonard	No, Changs.
Leslie	What happened to Chows?
Leonard	It changed.
Leslie	Oh. So, how many children do you think we should have? (Leonard splutters and coughs) I'm sorry, that was a little abrupt.
Leonard	A little.
Leslie	I mean there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction.
Leonard	I sure hope so.
Leslie	Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family?
Sheldon	(Entering) I'm sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue.
Leslie	Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there's the lactose intolerance.
Sheldon	(Preparing an extension cord) Don't forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)
Leonard	Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So... Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?
Sheldon	I have to make pee-pee.
	Time shift to later.
Leonard	Listen, I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions, he can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie	If by eccentric you mean passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, I agree.
Leonard	Well, I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie	Me too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard	No problem, I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse. So I guess I'll call you and we'll arrange another evening.
Leslie	Yes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I'm not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
Leonard	Sure.
Leslie	Again, it's your decision, you're the man.
Penny	(Voice off, ascending the stairs) No, it wasn't my cat, it was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrödinger.
Eric	(Appearing round corner with Penny) From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny	No, he was some kind of scientist, let me start again. Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard	Hello.
Penny	Leslie.
Leslie	Hi.
	(Penny turns and crosses hall.)
Leonard	Okay, well, goodnight. (Leans in to kiss Leslie.)
Penny	Okay, well, goodnight. (Grabs Eric and kisses him more passionately.)
Leslie	(Whispering) That ain’t going to make your point. (Grabs him and tries to out-passion Penny. The two couples get more passionate trying to outdo each other until Leonard grabs Leslie’s ass.) Okay, that's enough. (Sweetly) Call me (exits.)
Leonard	Right (goes back inside flat. Closes door.)
Penny	(Breaking off kiss) Okay, goodnight.
Eric	What?
Penny	Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)
Scene	The university lunch room.
Sheldon	I'm sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.
Howard	Come on, Sheldon, there's so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon	I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Raj	Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
Sheldon	You mean like Spock?
Raj	Sure.
Sheldon	Fascinating.
Leslie	(Arriving) Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon.
Leonard	Hey, why don't we all move over there so Leslie can join us.
Howard	Hmm, let's do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)
Sheldon	If you're having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
Leonard	Don't make this hard for me.
Sheldon	It's not hard. It's simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
Leonard	You're right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)
Scene	The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.
Penny	Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon	Penny.
Penny	Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don't understand why you just don't go to dinner or something.
Sheldon	Alright, let's say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone's not touching my food?
Penny	Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon	Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can't work out with you and Leonard?
Penny	Excuse me?
Sheldon	I'm just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?
Penny	Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon	Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.
Penny	Your arch enemy?
Sheldon	Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.
Penny	Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Sheldon	Do you know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
Penny	Sheldon, come back, you're losing me.
Sheldon	Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.
Penny	Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Sheldon	She called me dumbass.
Penny	I know. I heard.
Sheldon	Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill-considered relationship with Leonard.
Penny	Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.
Sheldon	No, that response is unacceptable to me.
Penny	Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know...
Sheldon	Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.
Penny	Are you going to let me talk?
Sheldon	I'm sorry.
Penny	You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
Sheldon	You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.
Penny	Okay, let me put it this way, if you're really Leonard's friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.
Sheldon	Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard's really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny	Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon	Oh now you're just making stuff up.
Penny	Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon	Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
Scene	The apartment. Leonard and Leslie are kissing.
Sheldon	(Entering) When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I'd like to have a word.
Leonard	If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
Sheldon	Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
Leonard	Thank you.
Sheldon	I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.
Leslie	Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
Sheldon	I'm listening, amuse me.
Leslie	Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
Sheldon	Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie	Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Leonard	Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
Leslie	No there isn't, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.(Sheldon grunts.)
Leonard	Sheldon, don't make that noise, it's disrespectful.
Sheldon	I hope so, it was a snort of derision.
Leslie	You agree with me, right, loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Leonard	Sorry Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy.
Leslie	Well, I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Leonard	Truth, what truth? We’re talking about untested hypotheses, uh, it's no big deal.
Leslie	Oh, it isn't, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children?
Leonard	I guess we let them wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
Leslie	We can't let them choose, Leonard, they're children. (Storms off.)
Leonard	Wait, where are you going?
Leslie	I'm sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)
Sheldon	Look on the bright side.
Leonard	What's the bright side?
Sheldon	Only nine more months to comic-con.
Leonard	Oh yeah.
Scene	The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.
Sheldon	Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading.
Leonard	Yeah, that's great, you guys want corn dogs?
Howard	Yeah.
Sheldon	That's a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn't come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.

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