Sheldon and Penny are returning from the grocery store and Sheldon is reciting "interesting" weather facts. It seems that the jet streams can affect the rotation of the earth, so bad weather can actually make the day longer. Penny quips that there must a hell of a storm somewhere. With Leonard returning in a couple of days, was Penny's last chance to take Sheldon to the grocery store. Penny admits that she will miss their time together. Sheldon then suggests that if his apples are mealy, they can run back down for one last big blow out. Any criticism from Sheldon on her performance will come in her report card, which Penny doesn't plan on reading.After entering her apartment she screams when she finds Leonard hiding behind the door. Since the project has been completed early, he came home a couple of days early and doesn't want his friends to know so that they can spend some time together. Penny thinks that that is so Romance (love)|romantic. She hugs him tightly as Sheldon tells Penny that not all his eggs (food)|eggs are the right size so they have to go back.
At the comic book store Sheldon seeks help from Stuart to buy Leonard a nautical related gift. Stuart offers him an Aquaman statue. Sheldon calls it a gag gift until Stuart mentions that he only wants to sell it to a real collector. Sheldon objects that he is a collector and continues to discuss the Aquaman statue while Stuart recommends the Batman squirt gun.
Howard is complaining that they've put Doctor Octopus|Dr. Oct's brain in Spider-man's body. Raj is enjoying the story line since it mixes the superhero and Freaky Friday genres. Howard snaps at him and then explains he's on edge because of the Diet (nutrition) |diet he is on. He put on a couple of pounds and even had to buy pants from the men's department. Raj says that it was only a matter of time before Howard took after his mother.
Sheldon makes a final offer of $1200 for the Aquaman statue. Stuart is finally willing to part with it and says that Leonard will love it. Sheldon suddenly remembers that he needs a gift for Leonard and tells Stuart to throw in the squirt gun. Stuart lies by saying that the squirt gun is pretty rare in order to further con him.
At Penny's apartment, Leonard is showing her pictures of his trip including where he fell off the ship. The pizza delivery man knocks on Penny's door and Leonard gives her some money. He tells her that he has to hit head (watercraft)|the head, which how "salty sea-dogs" say they are going to go pee. Penny gives him $25.00 for a $22.50 pizza and tells him to keep the change. The deliveryman complains about climbing the stairs, so Penny gives him about another 30 cents and tells him that she won't call his boss to say that he reeks of marijuana.
Sheldon comes up the stairs and sees Penny with the pizza. He asks if she would like to join him for the Chinese cuisine|Chinese food he just brought in. Penny declines; though he claims with their Chinese and Italian specialties they could play Marco Polo. He means that they could reenact a meal eaten by the great Republic of Venice|Venetian explorer, not the terrifying water sport. When they hear the toilet flush, Sheldon asks if she has company. Penny says that she has called the building manager about it. Sheldon comes in saying that he could take a look at it since he is quite familiar with plumbing. Penny yells out so that Leonard can hear her that Sheldon doesn't have to go in the bathroom. Sheldon also finds it odd that Penny has two glasses of wine on the coffee table and that all of her take-out containers are in the trash can and not still sitting out. Penny promises Sheldon that no one else is in her apartment and that after a long day she just wants to eat a quiet dinner by herself. Sheldon says that he is no stranger to wanting to have solitude. Finally, as Penny is trying to get him out the door he asks if she has gotten Leonard a coming home present. She says no. Then Sheldon wants to know if she wants to split the price of a $200 Batman squirt gun.
Howard returns home tired. Bernadette has made some brownies and offers him one. He gets upset because he has been gaining weight and doesn't think that she is supporting him. He has been at his mother's house spreading ointment all over her back. Bernie asks why she couldn't do it herself. He snaps back that they have a deeply unhealthy relationship. He wonders if Bernadette could get some samples of the ointment from work because due to his mother's size they are running out very quickly. She remarks that it has high estrogen content and she hopes he's been using gloves. "How can I get gloves over these swollen sausages," he snaps. She explains that he had been absorbing it too and that is why he is bloated, Mood (psychology)| moody, and a giant pain in the ass. Now Howard feels stupid and fat. Bernadette offers to take him into the bedroom and show him that she thinks he looks great. Then Howard asks her if Sexual intercourse|sex is her solution to every problem.
In apartment 4A, Amy and Sheldon are having tea while Amy explains her new made up language. She thinks that he is not paying attention, but he does know the new word for elephant. Sheldon explains that he is distracted by his visit to Penny's. She clearly lied to him about having someone else in her apartment and might be cheating on Leonard. He says that Leonard has been gone for some time and she does have rather ravenous nether regions. Amy doesn't think that Penny would do that. Sheldon says that once he and Penny were having a staring contest and she clapped to make him blink. He says that it is a short jump from there to sexual infidelity. Amy still won't believe it. When Sheldon mentions the take-out containers in the trash can, Amy is convinced.Sheldon has his ear to Penny's door, hearing whispering and giggle|giggling followed by kissing. Amy then listens and thinks that she can hear Leonard. Sheldon doesn't know why he would come home early to kiss Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy, himself. He pulls out his spare apartment key while Amy says that he shouldn't do that. He bursts in saying "Ah-ha" and finds Leonard and Penny sitting on the couch. Penny screams and admonishes him for breaking into her place. Sheldon agrees and goes back out to do his ritual knock and then asks if she is going to open the door or if he should come in and again say "Ah-ha."
Leonard apologizes to Sheldon saying that he came home early just so he could have a couple of days alone with Penny. Sheldon sarcastically apologizes because he didn't realize that their friendship was such a burden. Sheldon uses Leonard's very words that he finds him "finicky, pedantic, and annoying". Sheldon wants to address the "tweepadoc" (elephant) in the room. Leonard doesn't know what that means. Sheldon refers him to Amy who wants to be left out of this argument. Sheldon tells Leonard that there is no need for him to pretend to like him anymore. Leonard again apologizes. Sheldon thinks that he can save his apologies for after he has disappointing coitus with Penny. Amy looks at Penny and she says that it was fine. Leonard goes to get the sailor hat that he brought back for Sheldon. Leonard agrees that he can't buy back his friendship with a cheap souvenir. As Sheldon tries it on, Leonard signals the girls to say something. Penny thinks he looks great, while Amy says, "Hello, sailor." Sheldon goes off to look at himself in the mirror. He comes back and says that it changes nothing, except his Halloween costume. Sheldon then tells Amy that she is going to be Olive Oyl and to lay off the donuts.
Raj comes over to Howard's place at his request. Howard has made little sandwiches and has a brie in the oven. Howard has been reading up on the side effects of estrogen. He wants Raj to tell him if his boobs look bigger. Raj is not sure and makes Howard jump up and down and wiggle side to side like a stripper. Then Raj stands up and asks if his chest moves the same way. Finally they start to feel each other's chest to check their Brassiere|cup sizes. Bernadette witnesses this display and leaves the room quietly all "weird"ed out. When the oven timer goes off, they run into the kitchen to get the brie.
Three days later in Apartment 4A, Leonard asks Sheldon if he wants a ride to work. Sheldon wonders if he can believe anything Leonard says. Leonard tells him that he is going to work and that Sheldon can come if he wants to. Sheldon agrees and then tells him that he has something on his shirt. Leonard finds nothing. "Hurts, doesn't it?" taunts Sheldon. Leonard mumbles to himself that the ship sank and he's now in hell.Going down the stairs, Sheldon wonders if anything Leonard ever told him is true. Sheldon questions if Leonard is really from New Jersey. Leonard then asks why anyone would claim to be from New Jersey when they weren't. He apologizes again. Sheldon wants him to say that he was wrong. After Leonard admits that, Sheldon still doesn't believe him. Heading through the lobby, Sheldon reverses everything that Leonard says. Leonard gets fed up and takes back his offer to drive Sheldon to the university. Outside, Leonard flips off Sheldon which Sheldon interprets as another opposite. Penny is leaving for her morning shift at the Cheesecake Factory and runs into Amy who is driving Sheldon to work. Penny finds out that Sheldon is also mad at her because she was the succubus that lead him astray. Penny doesn't know what a succubus is, however with suck in it she doesn't think that it's good. Penny gives Sheldon a "hey" when he comes out, and all Sheldon wants to give her is a groan. Penny reminds him of all the great times they had together this summer. Sheldon indicates that that makes the betrayal even worse. Sheldon even let her buy feminine hygiene products with his supermarket card. He tells her to think about all the coupons he's going to get that he doesn't need. Amy tries to defend Penny; however Sheldon claims she is either with him or against him. Amy stands up to him and asks if he wants to take the bus to work. Sheldon thinks that there must be a third option.
In the Caltech cafeteria, Raj, Howard, and Leonard are having lunch. Leonard is talking about his work from his trip. Howard reminds Raj that his eyes are "up here," implying that he resents Raj staring at his chest. Sheldon sits down and calls Leonard Judas Iscariot|Judas. Leonard calls him a crazy person. Sheldon then claims that he will have a robot army or a mutant army someday. Howard has an emotional, feminine outburst, telling them to stop fighting because they are really best friends. Both of them decide to stop fighting.
Everyone is back together having dinner while Sheldon gushes about all the places Leonard took him to including the bureau of weights and measures. Penny is glad that Sheldon and Leonard are friends again. Sheldon gives Penny a coupon he received for feminine products. Raj is happy that everyone is finally together again. Leonard notices that Raj can now talk in front of the girls while sober. Howard cries that he can't believe that they forgot to tell Leonard. Penny hands him the coupon for feminine products, telling him to "think about Sheldon" when he uses them.
- Guest starring:
- Teleplay: Steven Molaro, Steve Holland & Maria Ferrari
- Story: Chuck Lorre Eric Kaplan & Jim Reynolds
- Jesse Schedeen of IGN:* (on)... the very next episode sees him return home. But it wasn't that surprising considering how redundant that story line was. Instead, this second episode hinged on the sort of comedy of errors you only see in sitcoms…In any case, the plot kicked into gear as Leonard made his surprise return. Predictable as it was, it was funny to see Sheldon hone in on the suspicious evidence in Penny's apartment and start putting two and two together…The tiff between Leonard and Sheldon was a fun, if mild dose of drama, though more because Sheldon deserves to be taken down a peg than because he had any legitimate grievance…at least Amy continued her recent trend of standing up for herself around Sheldon, shooting down his "The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy," threat straight away… I really hope the next couple episodes will spark something new so that this season doesn't prove as aimless as the previous one could be at times. 
- Dhruv Rao of The DR Club gave the double-premiere a B.
- Oliver Sava of the AV Club gave the double-premiere a B+
- The TV Critic.org: "Oh well, as soon as you think you missed a show it reminds you why you didn’t. There was no plot here. It’s the same old story. The writers have no interest in Sheldon changing. So he holds an unreasonable grudge against Leonard and we have to watch the same argument repeat over and over."
- IMDB user reviews
- Title Reference: The title refers to Sheldon finding out that Leonard has been deceiving him by hiding out at Penny's and not tell him that he was home.
- Taping date: August 27, 2013.
- Chuck Lorre's vanity card.
- This episode was watched by 20.44 million people with a rating of 6.1 (adults 18-49), a new episode record for the whole series. Including DVR viewers, the total number of viewers 26.14 million, with a rating of 8.6 (adults 18-49).
- This episode aired in Canada on September 26, 2013 with 4.608 million viewers with a weekly ranking of #1.
- In the United Kingdom, this episode aired on November 4, 2013 with 2.26 million viewers and a weekly ranking of #1.
- Episode transcript 
- Sheldon wears his red "Flash equation" t-shirt (chemicals plus lightning equals The Flash).
- Penny wears a purple mock-layered top by Candie's (sold at Kohls).
- First episode of season 7 to show all of the gang together.
- This episode is currently the highest rated of the series that season at 20.44 million viewers.
- Sheldon notices something is wrong when he finds Penny's leftover takeout containers in the trashcan. She is never that neat.
- Sheldon mentioned in the previous episode "The Hofstadter Insufficiency" (S7E01) that Leonard will bring Sheldon a sailor hat, and in this episode he fulfills this promise.
- Newsflash: "Last Night's 8:30 PM Broadcast Adjusted Upward, Making It the Show's Most-Watched Episode Ever with 20.44 Million Viewers."
- Second time in the series that something that Howard says/does that catches the ears of a crowd. The first time was in "The Robotic Manipulation".
- Amy tells Penny that Sheldon referred to her as a succubus; a female monster derived from Greek mythology who would come to men in their dreams to seduce them and drain them of their life energy.
- This is the first time Sheldon admits he's crazy, calling himself "a crazy person with a long memory" as opposed to stating his usual catchphrase "I'm not crazy, my mum had me tested."
- Bernadette offers Howard brownies when they clearly have nuts in them, to which Howard is highly allergic to as seen in "The Peanut Reaction". Unless she forgot that Howard was allergic or she made some nut-free alternative brownies for him.
- Despite Howard's claim his trip to space outrank Leonards trip, ultimately Leonard's trip to the North Sea can be seen as being a reverse of Howard's trip to space. Whereas Howard was miserable, bullied and received no consideration when he returned. Leonard's trip was enjoyable, he was extremely popular and received a happy welcome from everyone upon his return.
- This is the second episode where Sheldon is mad at Leonard for choosing to hang out with Penny instead of him. The first being "The Large Hadron Collision". In both cases, Sheldon refers to Leonard as "Judas".
- Leonard tries to duplicate the "Titanic" pose and falls off the ship.
- Leonard: Hello.
- Penny: (screams) Leonard! Hi!
- Leonard: (whispers) Keep your voice down.
- Penny: (whispers) Oh my gosh. (kisses him) You weren't supposed to be here until Sunday.
- Leonard: (whispers) Well, we finished the experiment early, so I thought I'd come home and surprise you.
- Penny: (confused) Oh my gosh, why are we whispering?
- Leonard: I didn't tell Sheldon so that we could have a few days alone.
- Penny: (touched) Oh, that is so romantic.
- Leonard: Uh, sure. That's why I did it. (they kiss again)
- Penny: I just cannot believe you're here.
- Amy: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
- Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
- Amy: Really? Is that so?
- Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
- Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
- Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.
- Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
- Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
- Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
- Sheldon: Who knows? You said you’d be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
- Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
- Sheldon: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard: No, I don’t.
Sheldon: Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I’m in hell.
- Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
- Leonard: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
- Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.
- Sheldon: I fear Penny's being unfaithful to Leonard.
- Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard's lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.
Amy: I don't think Penny would cheat on Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It's a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.
Amy: You're being ridiculous.
- Sheldon: Amy there were Chinese food containers...in the trash can.
- Amy: Poor Leonard.
- Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say "a-ha" again?
- Penny: Shut up, Sheldon!
- Sheldon: I'd like to barge in but I don't know what you two are doing behind that door. It probably rhymes with hex, though.
- Leonard: Way ahead of you, it rhymes with canal.
- Bernadette: Hi, honey.
- Howard: Hey.
- Bernadette: I made some brownies. You want one?
- Howard: You’re kidding, right?
- (Bernadette turns a tiny bit worried for a second)
- Howard: I mean, you know I’m trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage.
- Bernadette: We are. Stop it. And for the last time, you’re not fat.
- Howard: Really? Tell that to the bathroom scale, ’cause one of you is lying.
- Bernadette: Fine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom’s?
- Howard: Awful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again.
- Bernadette: Why can’t she do it?
- Howard: ‘Cause we’ve got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn’t take into account the square footage of her back.
- Bernadette: Let me see. (she now asks Howard crossly) How long have you been putting this on her?
- Howard: I don’t know. Few weeks. Why?
- Bernadette: This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you’ve been wearing gloves.
- Howard: Like these swollen sausages could fit in gloves.
- Bernadette: (through her cross smile) Howie, the oestrogen’s getting absorbed by your skin. That’s why you’ve been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
- Howard: You’re full of oestrogen and you don’t act like that.
- Bernadette: (she is now completely cross) That’s ’cause I’m a woman. I’ve had years of practice riding the dragon.
- Howard: Fine. I’ll wear gloves next time.
- Bernadette: (calm, but still very cross) It’s still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system.
- Howard: I feel so stupid. And fat.
- Bernadette: (smiles) It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you?
- Howard: (now angry with her) Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything.
- (Bernadette is now completely cross with Howard again)
- Howard: Thanks for coming over.
- Raj: No problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches.
- Howard: Yeah, that’s cucumber and cream cheese. That’s turkey and loganberry. And don’t tell my hips, but I’m warming up a brie in the oven.
- Raj: Nice. So, mmm. What’s up?
- Howard: Okay, well, I’ve been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. (Lifts his shirt up) Do my boobs look bigger to you?
- Raj: Well, it’s kind of hard to tell.
- Howard: Come on, Raj, it’s a yes or no question.
- Raj: I’m not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let’s see if they jiggle. (Howard jumps up and down) Uh, no, I, I still can’t tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this. (shakes his body, with his chest moving back and forth)
- Howard: Seriously?
- Raj: Do you want my help or not?
- Howard: Fine. (puts his shirt over his head, exposing his torso and shakes his body in the same way Raj did)
- Raj: Okay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing. (lifts up his shirt and does the body shaking motion)
- Howard: Yeah, they kind of do.
- Raj: Hmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob)
- Howard: Hey, easy, my nipples are sensitive.
- Raj: Oh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay.
- (Warms his palms. Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in crossly. She is not very happy by the weird thing Raj and Howard are doing. She doesn't say anything at all).
- Raj: I mean, yeah, maybe.
- Howard: Okay, let me feel. (grabs Raj's breast)
- (Scene of the silent Bernadette getting more crosser)
- Howard: No, I am definitely up a cup size.
- Raj: You know, but, but they’re very firm, so you’ve got that going for you.
- Howard: You think?
- Raj: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky.
- Howard: Thank you. I really needed to hear that today.
- (The silent Bernadette angrily drops her arms on her hips and walks out angrily. The oven bell dings)
- Howard: Ooh, brie’s ready.
- Raj: Yay!
- Howard: (Emotionally) Listen to me. You two aren't just friends, you're best friends. That's a beautiful thing. Leonard, you know why he's so mad at you? It's 'cause he missed you. (To Sheldon) And as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life, as I do. (after a moment) This man [Raj] held my breast the other day, and I love him for it!
- (Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Howard)
- Raj: A little loud, dude.
- Howard: So, can please just put aside these petty differences and just be glad we're here together?
- Leonard: Okay.
- Sheldon: I suppose so.
- Howard: Thank you.
- Raj: (To everyone in the cafeteria) Uh, it wasn't anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.
- (Scene: The apartment.)
- Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
- Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.
- Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.
- Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.
- Penny: Aw.
- Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
- Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.
- (Amy rolls her eyes and says nothing)
- Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
- Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.
- Sheldon: Yeah.
- Penny: Me, too.
- Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
- Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
- Leonard: And no one told me?
- Howard (crying): Can’t believe we forgot to tell him.
- Penny (handing Howard the Vagisil coupon): Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
|Episodes | Season 7|
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