The Intimacy Acceleration

"The Intimacy Acceleration" is the sixteenth episode of the eighth season of the sitcom The Big Bang Theory. The episode will air February 26, 2015.

Summary
Penny and Sheldon conduct an intimacy experiment, while the airline loses the ashes of Howard's mother after they return from her funeral.

Extended Plot
Story by Dave Goetsh, Eric Kaplan, and Tara Hernandez, with telephay by Steven Molaro, Jim Reylonds, and Steve Holland. The episode is "The Intimacy Acceleration." Get your hand on the emergency brake, it's going to be a rough ride for everyone.

COLD OPEN. Two takes, one pick up. Apartment 4A. Raj, Amy, Sheldon, Leonard, Penny.

As the gang sit down for their meal, Amy mentions that she read an article about how intimacy can be created between two people in an accelerated time frame. Leonard says, "In my experience, it takes three to five years of shameless begging." Penny doesn't think that either of them look very good in that scenario.

Raj has also heard about this experiment – participants pose personal questions to each other, "And then stare into each other's eyes for four minutes," Amy finishes. Sheldon thinks that's absurd. "I proclaimed my love for you," he says to Amy, "and the last time I stared into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis." Despite the fact that she had it, that was a magical evening for Amy.

Sheldon wants to drag random people off the street and trap them together, but Amy shuts that down before he can even finish the sentence. He's a little miffed that she can experiment on all the apes she wants, but when he wants to manipulate humans, suddenly he's the monster. They suggest that Sheldon do the experiment himself, and he says he'd be willing – you know, for science. Penny is skeptical that he would answer deep, personal questions about himself. She looks up at Leonard with pleading eyes. "PLEASE, can I be the one to do it?" Leonard's had to listen to Sheldon talk about his feelings for ten years. "Tag, you're it," he says, punctuated with a light tap to her shoulder.

Raj wonders what they'll do if the experiment works, but no one is hardly worried. Penny assures him that she won't fall in love with Sheldon, but Amy warns her that's what she herself thought. "Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart." Sheldon explains the etymology of the word "pontificate" (with Amy making positively the most interested faces the woman has ever worn in her life) and Leonard, regarding Penny, asks, "In love yet?"

SCENE A. One take. Apartment hallway. Sheldon, Penny.

As Sheldon and Penny cross the hallway to her apartment, Sheldon has one question to ask her first. "If we do fall in love, will you drive me to GaryCon?" It's the only chance he'll have to celebrate Gary Gygax, the creator of Dungeons and Dragons. Penny is so unbelievably sure that that they won't fall in love that she agrees to not only drive him there but also buy him all the dragon shirts he wants. She heads into the apartment, and Sheldon combs an awkward hand over his hair and says, "Let's do this, babe."

SCENE B. Playback. Apartment 4A. Raj, Amy, Leonard.

Raj wonders why Amy and Leonard aren't worried about this experiment, but they assure him that it's not going to work and are positively unmoved. Raj suggests that the two of them try it with each other. They ask the first question: "If you could eat dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Leonard already knows who he'd pick: it's Penny. "Aw," Amy says. "And I'd pick the janitor because I'm about to throw up."

So that didn't work.

Emily is off from work tonight, so Raj invites Amy and Leonard to join them for a night out. Amy asks about Howard and Bernadette. Raj isn't sure when they're getting back from the airport. She asks him how the funeral was (we're just gonna gloss right over that) and Raj says he's not sure but they seemed to be in good spirits.

Cut immediately to...

SCENE C. Three takes. Baggage services. Howard, Bernadette.

Howard is screaming at the woman behind the desk who has evidentially lost his mother's ashes. "It's not lost," she reassures him, "but sometimes these things get rerouted." Super, so now Howard would like to know kindly please where you have rerouted the only woman who ever loved him? ("First," he immediately corrects to his onlooking wife, "I meant first.") The woman needs some information about their flight; what was the number? "816," Bernadette says (hey, isn't that the episode number for...) Howard again tries to say he meant first, but Bernie thinks he should probably just stop talking.

SCENE D. Two takes, one pick up. Apartment 4B. Sheldon, Penny.

Penny is pouring herself a big ol' glass of wine to get through this.

As a Texas gentleman, Sheldon wonders if he should let Penny go first, but he's afraid that might make her fall in love with him before the questions even start. While he's weighing the pros and cons, Penny dives right in and asks the first question.

Sheldon wonders if he can pick anyone, dead or living, to have dinner with. She suspects it means living, and he says it's for the best. As much as he likes Euclid, the man probably wore sandals and Sheldon just cannot look at toes while eating. But if he has to choose, he'd like to dine with himself. "Really? That's your answer?" Penny asks incredulously. She's had that dinner and it's not all that great. Sheldon is convinced he wouldn't disappoint himself.

As for Penny, she'd pick Robert Downey Jr. Sheldon just can't believe he didn't think of Iron Man first. Maybe after he wines and dines himself, he can join them for dessert?

SCENE E. Playback. Raj's car. Raj, Emily, Amy, Leonard.

Raj wonders where Amy and Leonard would like to go, but Amy concedes that she and Leonard are the ones tagging along, so they should pick. Emily suggests an Escape Room where you have to solve puzzles to get out of a room. "There's one where they lock you in with a zombie!" she says excitedly. Raj muses that Penny's already going through that. Amy is not amused.

SCENE H. Two takes, one pick up. Apartment 4B. Sheldon, Penny.

Sheldon poses the next question to Penny, which is to describe your perfect day. Penny would like to sleep in, do some yoga, lay out on the beach and have cute cabana boys bring her drinks, and then she'd top off the night with some dancing. Sheldon is looking at her like she's crazy. When she asks him what gives, he points out that she didn't mention Leonard. "He's there," Penny assures him. Sheldon can't imagine Leonard wanting to do any of the things she's mentioned. Penny says he brought a book.

It's Sheldon's turn to describe his perfect day. He would start with some French toast with butter and syrup. Suddenly, a wormhole opens up and whisks him away to the future where his towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of human kind from a predatory alien race. Penny wonders why Amy wasn't in his perfect day. First two takes had Sheldon saying, "It's the future, she's long dead." Pick up had Sheldon saying, "Who do you think made the French toast?"

SCENE J1. Two takes. Escape room office. Raj, Emily, Amy, Leonard.

Our foursome arrive at the office where they are being led to the escape room by a gothic looking aid. She tells them about the doctor who was doing an experiment on aging that went horribly wrong, and he died. "OR DID HE?" she wonders. Leonard says, "Ladies," and gestures for them to go first. "Are you being polite or scared?" Emily wonders. "Yep," Leonard says, and they head into the room.

SCENE J2. Two takes. Escape room. Raj, Emily, Amy, Leonard.

They enter the room, which is towering and opulent from floor to ceiling with the last vestiges of a mad laboratory. The gang marvel at how cool everything looks. "How do we start?" Amy wonders. Emily explains that they start looking for clues hidden in the room. "Wasn't there supposed to be a zombie?" Raj wonders. But he wishes he didn't ask because just then, a terrifying zombie comes barreling out of a nearby locker, tethered to the wall by chains. Raj hopes the first clue comes on a pair of clean underwear.

SCENE K. Two takes, one pick up. Baggage services. Howard, Bernadette.

The attendant informs Howard and Bernadette that their bag did arrive in Los Angeles. "Then where is it?" Bernie asks. The woman suggests that someone may have picked it up by mistake. Howard is panicking. "So someone else has my mother?" he asks. "You're telling me that she could be anywhere in Los Angeles?" he asks. "I wish I was telling you that," the woman laments. "But someone could have gotten on an international flight." Howard is furious. "It's your entire job to find lost baggage and you've narrowed it down to the planet earth?" The woman is near tears. It's her first week. But she wonders if offering them 500 frequent flyer miles would help. "That'll get you to Sacramento!" she cries.

SCENE L. Two takes. Apartment 4B. Sheldon, Penny.

The next question for our non-lovebirds is if you could wake up with any quality or ability, what would it be? Penny doesn't want to steal from the Bible, but she could really get behind that turning water to wine thing. Sheldon is frustrated that Penny isn't taking this seriously and thinks she's using humor to avoid vulnerability. Penny concedes and says that what she truly would like is to be as smart as everyone else. Sheldon laughs his head off. "Keep dreaming!" he cries.

But he grants that, while Penny may not be as academically inclined as the rest, she does have intelligence that he envies, which leads him to his answer: he wishes he could read minds. He never knows if people are laughing at him, if they're mad at something he's done, or just in a bad mood. Penny is surprised, he seems so confident. "Well, I'm not," Sheldon confesses. And reading minds would make it all so much less stressful. Now Penny wishes she had the ability to make all that easier for him. She sips her wine and muses that she feels a wave of affection for him. Sheldon wonders, "Are you sure it's not the Bible juice?" indicating her glass. Yep, the feeling is gone.

SCENE M. Three takes. Escape room. Raj, Emily, Amy, Leonard.

Everyone is quick at work on the clues. Amy crosses over to Leonard and our zombie friend tries to tell them how much he'd like some brains, but Amy snaps, "Keep it down, we're working here!" Raj has got the cipher decoded, and Amy has the coordinates for the cities. Leonard is about to plug them in and open the safe. Zombie is not terribly happy about the progress their making. "Solve too fast," he insists. "Just saying, no refund for finish early!"

SCENE P. Playback. Escape room. Raj, Emily, Amy, Leonard.

The gang open the safe to find a blacklight, which they wave around the room to reveal a hidden riddle on the wall, which Amy solves in approximately 0.2 seconds. It leads them to a poster on the wall which is concealing the key. "So we open the door and that's it?" Amy wonders as Emily pulls the key out. Leonard can't believe they spent two hundred dollars on six minutes of fun. Emily apologizes; she thought the puzzles would be harder. "Well, we do all have very advanced degrees," Amy points out as they start to leave. Zombie hopes they'll remember that before going on Yelp.

Our mysterious aid is bored and reading a magazine. "Seriously?" she asks when they all come out. "Were you at least scared?" Amy scoffs. "My boyfriend is spending the evening with a beautiful woman, if that doesn't scare me, then some reject from the Walking Dead sure isn't," and storms out. Leonard follows it up with, "That beautiful woman is my fiancé, so I'm always scared," and he follows Amy out. Raj points at Emily as she, too, exits. "I'm sleeping with her!" he declares.

SCENE R. Two takes. Baggage services. Howard, Bernadette.

Everyone but Howard and Bernadette has left the office. Bernie asks if he's sure he doesn't want to just go home. "If they find the bag, they'll deliver it to us," she assures him. Howard says he's not leaving without her, and Bernie says of course. Howard then says, "I could have driven her." Bernie asks, "What?" Howard explains that Mom needed a ride to the airport to go to Florida. He was too busy, so he made her take a cab. "I was too busy," he says again, pain in his voice and his eyes. Bernadette is twice as broken as she takes his hand and assures him, "There's no way you could have known," she says. Then she excuses herself.

She approaches the counter and informs the woman quite sweetly (at first), "You'd better find my husband's mother because either way, we're walking out of this airport with a dead woman."

SCENE S. Two takes. Apartment 4B. Sheldon, Penny.

Sheldon and Penny sit at the table, Sheldon eating ice cream from a bowl, Penny from the bin itself. She asks him if he were to die today and couldn't communicate with anyone, what would he most regret not having told someone? Sheldon says there's something satisfying about dying on his birthday. Penny is shocked to learn this; it's always been such a secret, and not even Amy knows. Sheldon explains that he doesn't like presents, and the idea of people yelling surprise at him fills him with more dread than the words "George Lucas director's cut." Penny wonders why he's telling her now, and he points out that the experiment was about them being truthful. She thanks him for telling her and promises she won't tell anyone else.

"I never pegged you for a Pices," she muses, and Sheldon says how very difficult she's making it to love her right now.

SCENE V. Two takes. Baggage services. Howard, Bernadette.

The woman behind the counter has some great news – the bag was found, and she wheels it out for them. Howard unzips the bag to find the urn safe and sound. He clutches it and drops to his knees, apologizing to it profusely for being so selfish, and he will never forgive himself, and he promises to keep her close. "Oh crap," Bernie says to the woman, "that thing's gonna end up in my bedroom."

SCENE W. Three uncomfortable takes. Apartment 4B. Sheldon, Penny.

The wind blows and the angels sing as Penny and Sheldon's experiment has finally come to an end – all that's left is the four-minute stare down. Cue the most uncomfortable four minutes you'll ever spend watching The Big Bang Theory.

Penny and Sheldon try really hard to stare into each other's eyes, but the creep factor is not lost on either of them. They're not supposed to talk, but they both need to point out how incredible uncomfortable this whole thing is. Sheldon is distracting himself from the awk by turning brown flecks in her irises into shapes that are more pleasing to him. Penny offers for them to just stop since she knows how eye contact makes him uncomfortable. He says it's easier with people he's comfortable with. She feels the same way. Sheldon's like a brother. Sheldon says he too sees her like a sister. Or a mother. Nope, it's creepy again.

Penny is thinking about when she first met Sheldon and Leonard. Sheldon is thinking about how she ate their food. Penny can't believe it's been eight years. Sheldon can't believe she's still eating their food. Penny can't remember life before knowing them. Sheldon can. He can also remember how much money she owes them for food, just in case she was wondering.

Finally the four hours minutes is up and Penny and Sheldon can finally look at something else. Sheldon is happy to proclaim that she is not in love with him, and he is not in love with her, thank god or Buddha or Krishna or whomever you may pray to. But Penny's glad they did it, and so is he. But now that they've reached this new level of intimacy, what are they going to do about GaryCon? Do they drive or fly? Who gets to be Gary?

Penny's already refilling her wine glass.

TAG. Playback. Apartment hallway, Apartment 4A. Sheldon, Penny, joined by Raj, Amy, Emily, Leonard.

Sheldon thanks Penny for walking him home, as they trot the mere three steps to his front door. "Well, this is me," he says thumbing the door behind him. He swings open the door to head in alone and flip on the lights, when suddenly –

SURPRISE!

Sheldon's scream can be heard around the city. I'm pretty sure Wil Wheaton is laughing.

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